


Computer, End Program.

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Equal Parts Fluff and Angst, Established Relationship, Garak and Julian have a baby, Garak is mentally ill, M/M, Raising a Child, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:49:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: When Quark gets a new holosuite program that allows two people to produce a hologram child, Garak and Julian jump at the chance. The problem is, Garak starts to forget that the child isn't real, which eventually leads to disastrous consequences. Things are complicated by the one-year anniversary of Enabran Tain's death.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 20
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

Garak first heard of Quark's new holosuite program from Julian as they lay in bed together one night. "Have you heard about the buzz at Quark's?" asked Julian. He and Garak were doing the thing that apparently Terrans called 'spooning'. Garak was the 'big spoon', Julian in his arms, the 'little spoon', tucked in the covers next to him.

"The buzz?" Garak repeated.

"Quark has a new holosuite program," Julian informed him. "You haven't heard about it?"

"Believe me, if I had, I would have told you," said Garak. "What is it?"

"Apparently," Julian said, "if you input the scans of two people into the program, it'll produce an infant."

"Produce an infant?"

"You know- make a baby," said Julian. "Regardless of biological incompatibility, even!"

"Really!" Garak said. "That IS very interesting."

They were quiet for a few moments, and then Julian said, excitedly, "So what do you think?"

"What do I think? Whatever do you mean?" Garak asked, but he was pretty sure he knew what Julian meant.

Julian turned over so that he was facing Garak. His face was all lit up. "About us!" he said. "We could actually have a child!"

Garak considered it, not letting Julian know just how touched he was by his excitement. "I don't know," he said. "We're in the middle of a war with the Dominion. I doubt that now is a good time to bring a child into the world."

"Don't be silly, Elim; it's a hologram!" said Julian. "Come on, I can tell you're excited."

Garak gave up. "Of course I'm excited," he said. "We could have a child together, and the fact that we're not able to produce children together wouldn't matter. And it wouldn't be a real child, so we would have none of the setbacks."

"It would be very convenient," said Julian. "So, what do you think? Please?"

"Are you asking for me to be the father of your child?" Garak asked. "Because that happens to be a very serious question for Cardassians."

"That's exactly what I'm asking," Julian said. "And don't you dare start telling me that Cardassians wouldn't have babies with off-worlders, or that Cardassians wouldn't go about it this way, because-"

"I would love to have a child with you, Julian," Garak said. He smiled. "You'd better tell Quark that he has two more customers for that new holosuite program."

Julian kissed him softly. "Love you," he said, and nuzzled into Garak.

"I love you, too," Garak said, holding Julian close.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian make their hologram child.

The next evening, as Garak was closing up shop, Julian waltzed in. "Guess what?" he asked.

"What?"

"I've got the holosuite reserved for us tonight!" Julian said. "Right after dinner."

"Tonight!" Garak said, surprised.

"What's the matter?" asked Julian.

"Well," Garak said, "I just didn't think I'd become a father this quickly. But that doesn't really matter, now, does it? It's just a hologram."

"Exactly," said Julian. "Do you need help closing up shop?"

"Last time you helped me, you misplaced half of my tools," Garak said. "Thank you, but no. I'll meet you back at our quarters."

"No, we have things to discuss," said Julian, sitting on a table (on top of some very valuable merchandise, but Garak decided not to be a nag about it). "For instance, we can choose the child's sex. What do you want, a boy or a girl?"

That stumped Garak. "I suppose I never really thought about it before," he said.

"I have," Julian said. "But it never did me any good. I couldn't come to a decision. Maybe we can tell the program to choose for us."

"Good idea." Garak folded a pair of trousers that he had been working on. "What about names? Are you particularly attached to any human names?"

"Not really," said Julian. "I was thinking we could name the child something Cardassian. If you'd like, of course."

"I suppose that would work," said Garak, pushing in the drawer of his desk where he did most of his transactions and locking it.

"Any ideas?"

"Hmm," said Garak. "I'd have to think about that." The two of them left his shop. Garak locked the door. They found the nearest turbolift to take them to their quarters. "How about Kamin, for a boy? It's a good Cardassian name."

"I like it," said Julian. "What about for a girl?"

"I'm torn between Jila and Ashal," said Garak.

"I like both." The turbolift started moving. "You came up with names pretty fast. You must have given it some thought."

"I've been thinking about it ever since you told me about Quark's holosuite program," admitted Garak. "Not to mention the rest of my life. Cardassians are very focused on procreation. You know, more Cardassians to serve the military and so on. That's also why they think of men like me as... beneath them."

Julian grasped Garak's hand. "Hey," he said. "Don't worry about Cardassians who think that. You're not below anyone." He grinned. "Except-!"

"Doctor, we're in public!" Garak said, scandalized.

"Sorry," Julian said. They had reached the level where their quarters were. They made their way to their door, which Garak unlocked.

They replicated themselves dinner and talked about their days. It had been a slow day at Garak's Clothiers, and the latest Starfleet casualty list had come out.

"Thankfully, I don't know anyone on the list this week," Julian reported.

"That doesn't mean any less people died," Garak said.

Julian sighed. "I know."

Garak reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "I didn't mean to be insensitive. I apologize."

"It's okay." Julian squeezed his hand in return. "We had better get to the holosuite. We have an hour and a half reserved."

"That's hardly enough time for one's first meeting with their child," Garak said.

"I know, but the program is so popular that it's a miracle I got it reserved on such short notice," said Julian, standing. "Let's go."

They arrived at Quark's just on time. A smile broke across the face of the Ferengi bartender as Garak and Julian approached. "Ah, there's the happy couple!" he said. "You know, I wasn't the least bit surprised when Dr. Bashir requested the baby program. I've known for ages that-"

"Quark, just get me the program," said Julian, annoyed.

"Fine, fine," he said. "But I'm coming up to the holosuite with you. At least for the input. I have to take scans of you, you know, to keep track of who's having babies with who and such."

The three of them walked up the stairs to the holosuites and entered an available one. Quark inputted the program, and suddenly the three of them were in a nursery-like setting with pastel yellow walls and an empty cradle. There was a computer in the room. Quark bustled over to the computer and took out a holo-imager.

"Which one of you would like to go first?" he asked.

"I'll go first," Julian volunteered.

"Stand very still," Quark instructed. Julian stood still as the holo-imager created a scan of him. "Now you, Mister Garak."

Garak stood still. It was difficult to do so. He was feeling very antsy about the whole thing. Of course, that's only natural, he thought. You're about to have your first child.

"All right," said Quark. "Inputting your scans into the computer..." He pressed a few buttons. "What sex would you like the baby to be?"

Garak and Julian exchanged a glance. "We couldn't come to a decision," said Julian.

"Of course you couldn't." Quark laughed. "I'll make it up to the computer's decision." He pressed a few more buttons.

"Wait," said Garak. Quark stopped. "I don't want you to be here when the child is..."

"Born," Quark finished. "Fine. Rob me of the opportunity to see how a Garak-Bashir baby would look. Fine. Press the silver button shaped like a rectangle to finish the process." He walked out of the holosuite.

"Well," said Julian. "This is it, I guess." Garak breathed deeply in and out. Julian noticed. "Wow, you're really nervous."

"I suppose I am," said Garak. "Well? Should you press the button or me?"

"If you press the button while I watch the cradle, I'll get to see the baby first. But if I press the button while you watch the cradle, you'll get to see the baby first," Julian mused.

"Let's both press the button together," Garak said. "That way we can both see the baby for the first time together."

"Good thinking," said Julian. They stood together before the computer console. They both stretched out a finger toward the button in question. It was big enough for both of their fingers to fit on it. "Ready?"

Garak took another deep breath. "I don't know if I am," he confessed.

"Don't worry, Elim," Julian said. "You'll be a great father. Ready?"

"Yes," Garak said. "On the count of three." He didn't know why he was being so silly. "One... two... three." They both pressed the button. Immediately, they both bolted for the cradle. To their shock, it was still empty.

"It didn't work!" Garak said.

"Trust Quark not to tell us the right button to press," Julian said.

Suddenly, a baby appeared in the cradle. It was a newborn, half-Cardassian, half-human baby girl. She had light brownish skin and softly defined scales, and a chufa, chula, and chuva. She had a tuft of dark hair on her head.

For a moment, neither Garak or Julian could speak. Then Julian looked up at Garak. "She's... she's beautiful!"

"She's... she's so beautiful," Garak said. "Quick, Julian, which name, Jila or Ashal?"

"How about Ashal?" Julian suggested.

"Ashal it is. Can we pick her up? Can you even pick up babies this young? Oh no, what if we hurt her? What if-" Garak began.

"Elim, Elim, calm down," Julian said. "You can pick up newborn babies. Do you want to hold her?"

"I'm scared that I'd hurt her," Garak said.

"Nonsense," said Julian, reaching down into the cradle. He swaddled little Ashal in a piece of yellow fabric that was in the cradle. He held her in his arms, carefully, looking down at her with such warmth, such contentment, that Garak couldn't help but smile. "Awww, look, she's smiling!" Julian exclaimed. Ashal was smiling, her little toothless mouth gaping, reaching up a hand to grab Julian's face. "I think she likes me! Here, you can hold her now."

"Wait," Garak said. "What if... what if I hurt her?"

"Elim, relax," said Julian. "If I didn't trust you around our child, I wouldn't have had a baby with you. Here. Hold her carefully. Watch the head. Heeere you go." He successfully transferred Ashal into Garak's arms. She was very warm. Garak felt exceedingly nervous, holding such a small thing in his arms. He had an intense fear, and an intense intrusive thought to drop her. No no no, don't think about that.

Ashal started to cry. Garak looked up at Julian with desperation. "What did I do? She doesn't like me!"

"Of course she likes you," said Julian. "It's just, babies cry a lot."

"Here, take her. I'm scared to hold her." Garak transferred Ashal back into Julian's arms.

"Shhhh, it's okay, it's okay, sweetie," Julian cooed. "Everything's gonna be okay..." He rocked her back and forth gently. Eventually, her cries dulled. "There we go," Julian said.

"You're such a good father," Garak said. "I'm doing a horrible job."

Julian set Ashal back into the cradle. "Elim, it's okay," he said. "You're doing just fine. You just need to stop being so nervous. Calm down."

"Easy for you to say," Garak said. "You don't have some idiotic Cardassian anxiety disorder. I don't think I've ever been calm in my entire life. I'm a terrible person and I'm going to be a terrible father."

"Elim, I know you're upset about your diagnosis, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Julian said. "You're not a bad father. You're doing fine. I guess it's only natural to be nervous. You're only nervous because you already care so much about Ashal. And that's nothing to be ashamed of." He took Garak's hand. "Okay?"

"Okay," Garak said.

"Now," said Julian, "do you want to try holding her again?"

By the time they left the holosuite, Garak had successfully been able to hold Ashal without her crying, a fact he was extraordinarily proud of. He wouldn't, no, couldn't, stop talking about Ashal with Julian as they got ready for bed that night.

"She's perfect," Garak was saying as he pulled on his pajamas. "She's just so beautiful. I love her so much."

"Elim, it's just a hologram," said Julian, trying to button his nightshirt.

Garak unbuttoned the buttons. "That's the wrong buttonhole," he said. "Here. This way." He couldn't help but laugh. "Look at us. We're trying to be parents when you don't even know how to put on a shirt."

"I do so know how to put on a shirt!" Julian retorted. He paused. "Anyway, at the end of the day, Ashal really is just a hologram."

"Right," Garak said, lying down in bed. "Just a hologram."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they have a child now! Now, what horrible things can I do next?   
> I would love to know what you think of it so far! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian falls ill, leaving Garak to be Ashal's sole parent, at least for a while.

By the next week, they were spending most of their free time in the holosuite with baby Ashal. Julian (horribly) sang Earth lullabyes, and when Garak couldn't take any more of his off-key crooning, he sang Ashal some Cardassian lullabyes.

("I didn't know you could sing!" said Julian.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," Garak said.)

They practiced holding her, practiced feeding her.

("We technically don't need to feed her," Julian pointed out.

"Of course we do. She's our daughter," said Garak.)

Sometimes Garak held her and they talked about their days in the holosuite, the comforting weight of Ashal in his arms. He was getting used to being a father. And whenever Julian and Garak left the holosuite, they kissed her on the forehead. She had such a tiny chufa. It was adorable. Garak had very little experience with babies, even Cardassian babies, and was amazed at how small her little scales were.

"You've gotten good at holding her," Julian was saying as they returned to their quarters after an evening in the holosuite.

"Why, thank you," said Garak. "I think I'm getting pretty adept, too." They entered their quarters. Garak began changing into his pajamas in the bathroom, humming a lullaby as he did so. When he returned to the main room, he was shocked to see Julian collapsed on the floor.

"Julian!" he cried. He dropped everything and ran over to Julian's body. "Julian, can you hear me?" He shook Julian's shoulders. "Julian? Computer, get a medical team to my quarters immediately."

As the medical team arrived, Julian woke up. He groaned. "Elim? What happened?"

"When I got out of the bathroom, I saw that you collapsed," Garak said. "I called a medical team, don't worry."

"Good," said Julian. "Thanks. I know you hate medical teams in your quarters."

The team arrived a minute later. "What seems to be the problem, doctor?" asked one of the nurses.

"I seem to have collapsed," said Julian.

"Can you stand?"

"Let's see," said Julian. He slowly rose to his feet. "Ugh. My head... and my throat... it's all stuffed up. And I feel weak the knees."

"I'm so stupid," Garak said. "I heard you coughing in the holosuite. I should have taken you to the infirmary right then."

"You're not stupid, Garak," said Julian. "Don't worry. I'm just going to go to the infirmary and see what's wrong with me. I'll be back soon. It'll be okay." He moved closer to Garak.

"Don't kiss me, there are people," Garak hissed. "And besides... you might be contagious."

"Fair point," said Julian. "I'll see you later."

Garak stayed up all night worrying about him.

It turned out, as he learned the next day, that Julian had caught some sort of virus from a traveler who had been in the infirmary the previous day. It wasn't anything serious, but it was a rare virus, and no one was sure how contagious it was, so Julian was confined to the infirmary for two weeks.

At first Garak spent his free time in the infirmary with Julian, debating about various literary works, talking about Garak's latest sewing projects.

Then Julian mentioned Ashal. "Have you been seeing her?" he asked. "Ashal, I mean?"

"No," said Garak.

"I miss her," said Julian. "I mean, I know it's silly, because she's just a hologram, but... I'd feel better if you went to see her. That way you can tell me about how she's doing."

"Of course," said Garak. "I sort of missed her too."

So Garak went to Quark's and reserved the holosuite for the next day. And when the time came, after work, Garak walked up the stairs to the holosuites and entered the Ashal program.

"Hi, Ashal," Garak said. "Did you miss me?" He laughed at himself. "Of course you didn't miss me. You're a hologram." He pulled her out of her cradle. She was wearing the outfit that Garak had knitted for her. "But since you're a hologram, that means I can tell you a few secrets. Here's the first one: I don't care that you're just a hologram. I still care about you. You're still my daughter. And I... I love you." He kissed her nose. "Just between us, okay? Don't tell Julian."

He spent the rest of the holosuite time bouncing her and telling her about his sewing projects and his various customers. He even told her a bit about the Dominion War and the encrypted communications he was unscrambling. By the time he left, there was a smile on his face.

"How is she?" asked Julian the next day as Garak visited him in the infirmary.

"She's excellent," said Garak. "I'm knitting her another outfit that better compliments the tone of her skin."

Julian smiled. "I'm glad she's doing okay," he said. Then he laughed. "Silly me. She's just a hologram."

Garak thought about his time alone with her. Her little smile. Her little chufa. Her little hands grabbing his fingers. Her excited, innocent laughter.

"Yes," he said. "Just a hologram."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say this because of what's going on in our cursed timeline, but Julian's illness is not... you know what, I'm not even going to say it. It's not "that". That's all you need to know.  
> Anyways, I'd love to know what you think of it so far!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The virus causes Julian to be irritable. Meanwhile, Garak spends more and more time in the holosuite.

Garak spent every evening with her. Every evening grew longer and longer. He began trimming more time off his work schedule to spend time with Ashal. He began staying up later and later to get commissions done until the point came when he was staying up until morning. He didn't care. He just wanted to spend every waking hour with Ashal.

Garak spent less and less time with Julian, too. He was recovering from the virus well, but Garak didn't give himself time to see him. He checked up on him every third day or so.

Garak came into the infirmary one day to see Julian and found Julian sitting in bed glaring at him.

"What's wrong?" Garak asked. "Has it finally broken your spirit to wear a hospital gown every day?"

"Not funny," said Julian. "I'll have you know that they're very comfortable. That's not the problem. You're the problem."

Garak's stomach dropped me. "Me?" he said. "What happened?"

"I don't know. What happened?" Julian asked. "Who have you been spending so much time with?"

"No one!" said Garak. He realized what Julian was saying. "Julian, you think- you think I'm cheating on you?"

"Why else wouldn't you come to visit me?" Julian asked. "Someone else clearly has your time!"

"It's just Ashal!" Garak said. "I've been spending more and more time with her. She's needy."

"Ashal is a hologram," said Julian heatedly. "And that's a pretty poor excuse."

Garak wilted. "Julian, I-"

"Save it," said Julian. "You can spare yourself the expense of coming to visit me. I have two more days in the infirmary, not including this one. For your information. Not like you'd check."

Garak felt like screaming. "Julian, please don't be like this," he said. "I'm just- I'm having a hard time coping with you being sick, and with Ashal, and it's- in six days, it'll be the anniversary of-"

"Just get out," Julian interrupted him. "I don't want to hear your excuses."

Garak went straight to his shop and put up the closed sign. Then he went to Quark's with a fistful of latinum. "I want in the holosuite," he said.

"All of them are busy," said Quark. "Sorry." He wasn't sorry.

Garak opened up his fist, revealing the latinum. "Are you quite sure about that?"

"I- I'll get you in a holosuite right away," Quark stammered. He couldn't wait to take Garak's latinum. But Garak didn't give it to him until the holosuite program was in his hand. "A pleasure doing business with you."

Garak felt a weight go off his shoulders as soon as he stepped into the holosuite and entered the program. As soon as he saw Ashal's sweet little face, his day got so much better. "It's okay, Ashal," he said. "Everything's going to be okay. Daddy's here." He scooped her out of her cradle and into his arms. He began softly singing her a Cardassian lullaby, holding her close to him. "Everything's going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting worse for Garak and Julian... (I promise they get better, I swear.)  
> I'd love to know what you think so far!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian returns from the infirmary with an apology.

When Julian returned to their quarters after his time in the infirmary, it was late at night, and Garak stumbled in with an armful of sewing patterns and fabrics. He wasn't expecting Julian, but there he was, sitting on their bed in his pajamas, reading from a data pad.

"Oh," said Garak. "You're home a day early." He set down what he was carrying on a table.

"No, I'm home as expected. You just have your days mixed up," said Julian. He put down the data pad.

"I thought you'd be gone by now," said Garak.

Julian sighed. "Garak, I don't want to be done. I... I didn't mean to snap at you the other day. I didn't mean what I said. And I want you to tell me what you were going to say."

"It wasn't anything important," Garak said.

"Yes, it was. Tell me," Julian said.

Garak sighed. "The day after tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death in the internment camp," he said. "I... I'm not taking it very well, I suppose."

"Oh, Elim," said Julian. He stood up. "Don't worry. I'm here with you. Everything's going to be okay." He held Garak close.

"Tomorrow we can go visit Ashal together," Garak said. "It'll take my mind off of things."

"Okay," said Julian. Garak couldn't see him, since they were hugging, but he could tell that Julian was smiling as he said, "You care about Ashal a lot, for a hologram."

"I suppose I do," said Garak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet!  
> I'd love to know your thoughts on this so far!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian visit their child in the holosuite.

The next evening, Julian and Garak arrived at Quark's, ready to see Ashal. Garak could hardly wait. He had been thinking about his daughter all day. He wanted to see her, to brush his fingers through the little tuft of hair on her head, press his lips to her tiny chufa.

"Dr. Bashir! I see you're finally out of the infirmary!" said Quark. "You'll be wanting your child's program, I presume?" Julian nodded. "I'll have you know that Mister Garak has hardly left the holosuite," Quark informed Julian. "He's been paying me handsomely for this program. I'll have you know that-"

"That's enough, Quark," interrupted Garak. "Just give us the program."

Quark handed Julian the program, and the two of them walked up the stairs to the holosuites.

"Is it true?" Julian asked. "Have you been paying Quark a lot?"

"I can afford it," said Garak. "If it means seeing our daughter more often, I can live with it."

"Even though she's-" Julian began.

"-only a hologram, yes, I know, Julian," said Garak. They entered the holosuite and Julian entered the program as the door closed behind them. Ashal's cradle appeared, and they were suddenly in her nursery. Garak instantly felt more at peace. They walked over to her cradle. Ashal was half-awake, her eyelids dropping, but when she saw Julian and Garak, her eyes opened wide, and she made a happy noise.

"That's right! Papa's here," said Julian, smiling down at her. He tickled her nose. "Aw, Elim, I really missed her. I didn't realize just how much until I saw her just now, but I really missed her."

"It's all right, my dear, I've been keeping her company," said Garak. He smiled down at her, too. "Isn't she just lovely? She's going to look very nice in the outfit I'm knitting for her."

Julian lifted little Ashal out of the cradle. "Ooop, here we go," he said as he lifted her, which was really a silly thing to say, but it made Garak smile. "I swear she's getting heavier! Aren't you?" He directed that last question at Ashal before kissing her forehead. "She smells like that one Cardassian herb you like."

"Jaromitka," said Garak. "I rubbed some oil on her neck scales last time I visited. Don't worry, it won't hurt her in any way."

Julian softly bounced Ashal up and down in his arms. "It's okay, Elim, I trust you," he said. "You've really done a good job with her while I was gone. You're a good father. Wanna hold her?"

Garak couldn't help but smile. He said you're a good father! he told himself. He thinks you're good! "I'd love to hold her," he said.

Julian transferred Ashal into Garak's arms. Garak knew just the right way to hold her now, and rocked her gently back and forth, humming an old song under his breath. "Julian?" he said after a moment.

"What is it, Elim?"

"I'm so glad you're out of the infirmary," said Garak. "I missed you. And I missed being here with you and Ashal."

Julian kissed him on the cheek. "I missed you, too," he said. He sighed. "Even after everything I said. Elim... I know I've already tried to apologize, but really, I didn't mean it, any of what I said that day in the infirmary. I wasn't thinking straight. Maybe it was the virus, I don't know. I just know that I'm sorry. I know you would never cheat on me, Elim. I love you."

Garak tried to believe him, but he remembered the accusatory nature of Julian's words that day, the doubt Julian had about him, the hurt Garak had felt when Julian told him to just get out. But he tried to believe him. "I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far! I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Shit is about to start hitting the fan, as it were...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has a disturbing dream about his late father, Enabran Tain.

That night, Garak couldn't sleep very well. He cuddled up next to Julian half because he loved him and half because of his body heat. He held onto one of Julian's hands, something that normally calmed him, but right now didn't help at all. He told himself that he shouldn't get up, because if he got up, it'd be that much harder to get to sleep. So he just lay in bed, too cold despite being right next to Julian and their quarters nearly at normal Cardassian station temperature.

But eventually, he was able to get to sleep, somehow, in a way he couldn't realize or replicate. Because suddenly, he found himself in a strange, new place, one he didn't recognize but one he was simultaneously sure was somewhere on Cardassia Prime. He looked down on himself and saw that he was wearing the clothes he had been wearing the previous day.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"Where do you think you are?" asked a very familiar voice.

Garak swallowed. "Father."

Enabran Tain stepped into the light. He was wearing the same outfit he had died in. "That's right," said Tain. He chuckled darkly. "What a pitiful excuse for a person you are. What a pitiful excuse for a Cardassian. In a relationship with a human of all people. Having a child with him. It doesn't disguise the fact that my son, MY SON, is in love with a MAN."

"Father, I promise I can explain," Garak said. "Please, if you'll just let me-"

Tain slapped him across the face. Garak let out the most pathetic sound when Tain's hand hit his cheek. He brought his hands up to his face, which was hot with shame. "There are no excuses," Tain said. "Nothing that you can say will make this better, Elim. You're pathetic. You're not worthy of being my son."

"Father, please don't say that," Garak said. "I'm trying my best. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. Anything..."

"I wish you were never born," Tain told him. "I wish I had never even met your mother. Whatever it takes, just to ensure that you never existed. I wish you were dead."

"I don't want to die, father," Garak said. "I have so much to live for. I have Julian. And Ashal..."

"Ashal isn't real, you fool!" Tain shouted. "And your precious Julian distrusts you. He HATES you. So you see... you have nothing to live for."

Garak started to cry. "Please don't say that," he wept. "Please."

"You've been bad, Elim," said Tain menacingly. "You know what happens when you've been bad."

Suddenly, it appeared. The closet.

"Get in the closet," said Tain. "That's what happens when you've been a bad boy."

"Father, I don't want to get in the closet," Garak said. "Please don't make me. It's too small and it scares me..."

"GET IN THE CLOSET!" shouted Tain.

So Garak got in the closet. Somehow, it was able to fit him, but only just. Tain slammed the door on him, and Garak could hear him locking the door.

It only took minutes for him to start panicking. "Father? Father, let me out. I know I've been bad. I'm sorry. I'll be good now."

But Tain didn't answer.

"Father?" Garak said, his voice getting shrill. "Daddy? Daddy, please let me out; it's too small and I'm scared and I can't breathe."

But Tain didn't answer.

"LET ME OUT!" screamed Garak, banging on the door. "Let me out, let me out, LET ME OUT!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a bit of a heavy chapter. Uh, how are you all? Hopefully doing well! ... yeah.  
> As always, I'd love to know what you thought of the fic so far! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak enters the holosuite... and he's not coming out.

Garak woke up with a gasp to find that he was still in he and Julian's quarters. He knew he should have felt better, knowing that he was safe now, that he wasn't locked in the closet, but if anything, he felt worse.

Julian was still asleep in their bed when Garak got up. Garak got dressed for the day, aggressively yanking a comb through his hair and oiling it liberally to cover up the fact that he hadn't showered.

"Computer, what time is it?" he asked.

"It is 0658 hours," said the computer.

Garak opened the safe that he kept in a false panel two panels to the left of their replicator and entered the code. He withdrew two bars of gold-pressed latinum and closed the safe. He tucked the latinum in one of his pants pockets. Garak looked up to make sure Julian was still asleep before putting the safe back behind the false panel.

Garak knew what he had to do.

He left their quarters, locking the door behind him, walking quickly to Quark's. Garak made it there before 0715 hours. Quark wasn't there, yet.

"I need to speak with Quark," said Garak.

"Sorry, Garak," said one of the Ferengi who worked at Quark's. "Quark's asleep."

Garak oh-so-slightly revealed the bars of gold-pressed latinum from his pants pocket. "I think he'll wake up for me."

The Ferengi's eyes went wide. "I'll get him right away," he said.

Quark was there in under ten minutes. He looked like he had only just gotten dressed, and his eyes were sleepy. "Someone told me about a business opportunity?" he said.

"Yes," said Garak. He pulled the bars of gold-pressed latinum out of his pocket. "I need holosuite credits. I need a holosuite for an indefinite amount of time."

"For that price, you'll get whatever you need," Quark said. Garak could see the greed in his eyes, but he didn't have enough time to be disgusted by it. "I assume you'll want your daughter's program?"

"You assume correctly," said Garak.

Quark held out his hand for the bars of latinum. "So..."

"Not until you give me the program and assure me that no one else will enter that holosuite for at least twenty-six hours," said Garak.

"Fine, fine," said Quark. He handed Garak the program. "The latinum?"

Garak handed him the latinum. Quark put it directly into his own pocket, which normally Garak would have been irritated at, but right now he didn't care. He headed straight for the holosuites and entered one of the couple that weren't being used. His hands shook as he inputted the program.

Around him appeared Ashal's nursery, yellow walls all around him. He hurried over to Ashal's cradle, and looked down at her with a trembling smile on his face. "I love you, Ashal," he said. "I'm never going to let anything happen to you. Never."

He wasn't disturbed until about 1200 hours (according to the clock), when suddenly a voice came in through the com system. It was Julian. "Garak, what are you doing in the holosuite at this time of day?" Julian asked. "We were supposed to meet for lunch."

"You'll have to find someone else to go to lunch with you," Garak said. "I'm with Ashal."

Julian paused. "Garak, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," said Garak, thinking of Tain in his dream. "I'm perfectly fine. Enjoy lunch." He cut off the communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get really ugly next chapter, so get ready.  
> How did you like the chapter? :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak loses touch with reality in the holosuite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: In this chapter, Garak comes close to harming himself. It is not graphic at all, but I wanted to warn you in advance.

Garak spent his time telling Ashal about everything. Every single stupid thing that came into his mind. The billions of times that Tain came oh-so-close to punching him in the face when he was a boy. The closet. His father's horrible taste in fashion. The closet. His father, blind and helpless, pathetic even, dying on the bed in the Dominion camp. The closet. The closet, the closet, the closet the closet the closet.

Another communication came in later. It could have been hours from the last one, or even days. Garak had turned off the clock. Again, it was Julian. "Elim, I'm worried about you," he said. "Tell me you're okay. But only if it's the truth."

Garak laughed wildly. "Okay? How could I possibly be 'okay', doctor? It's the one-year anniversary of my father's death, and he barely could even admit that I'm his own SON. Even when he was DYING. How could I possibly be 'okay', knowing that I'm a disappointment to him? That I'm so pitiful and pathetic?"

"Elim, I'm coming into the holosuite," said Julian.

"No, no you're not," said Garak. "Quark's going to stop you."

"Why?"

"Because I paid him two bars of gold-pressed latinum to have no one disturb me," said Garak.

"I'm the chief medical officer of this space station," said Julian. "I can override whatever meager authority Quark has. You stay there. I'll be with you in a moment."

Garak held Ashal close to him. "It's okay, Ashal," he crooned. "It's going to be okay. I won't let them hurt you."

Moments later, the door to the holosuite opened. Julian entered the holosuite. "Elim," said Julian. "Please come with me."

"No," said Garak. "I'm not going anywhere with you. I'm not going to let you hurt my baby."

"No one's going to hurt Ashal, Elim," said Julian. "Please. Just trust me. Come with me. Everything's going to be fine. We're just going to get you to the infirmary to assess you. You're... you're not doing very well right now, Elim. You need help."

"I'm not coming with you," Garak said firmly. "And stop raising your voice. You're going to wake up Ashal. Don't you see? You'll scare her."

"Elim," said Julian cautiously, "Ashal is a hologram."

"No, she's not!" Garak shouted. "She's REAL. I know she is. She's my daughter and I love her and she's REAL." Ashal started to cry. "See! You've upset her!"

"Elim, you're the one who shouted."

"I would never upset Ashal. Don't you dare tell me that I would ever upset her," said Garak heatedly.

"It's okay," said Julian. "Everything's going to be fine."

"She's real, I'm telling you, she's real!" Garak said. "You believe me, don't you?"

"No," said Julian slowly. "No, Elim, I'm sorry, I don't believe you."

"Stop arguing with me! Parents shouldn't argue in front of their child!" Garak said.

"Hold on, Garak, I'm not trying to argue with you," Julian said. "I just want you to come with me. Put down Ashal and come with me."

"No," said Garak. "I'm never going to let go of her. Never, ever, ever. I'm going to be a good father for her, don't you see? I'm going to be there for her. I'm going to calm her down when she cries. I'm going to make her feel warm and happy and safe. I'm never going to shut her anywhere small and terrifying. I'm going to be a good father for her. Not... not like..." His eyes stung. "N-not like..."

"Elim," said Julian, and his voice was so kind, so gentle, "it's okay. Your father's not here. He's not going to hurt you ever again. Everything's going to be okay."

"Don't you see?" Garak said, his voice panicked. "I have to be here for Ashal! I have to be a good father for her! Because she's my daughter. Because I love her."

"I know," said Julian. "I love her, too. But Elim... she's not REAL. She's just a hologram. You've got to understand that."

Julian took a step forward, but Garak was ready. "Computer, produce a knife," he said. It appeared in his right hand, his left was supporting Ashal.

"Security to holsuite 3," said Julian.

Garak laughed. "Security won't help you now."

"It doesn't have to be like this," said Julian. "Put down the knife, Garak. Ashal wouldn't want you to hurt anyone."

"You don't know what she would want," said Garak. "And besides, I'm not going to hurt anyone. Anyone that matters, anyhow."

"Elim," said Julian. He was starting to panic now, too. "Elim, don't hurt yourself. Please. Just put down the knife. Or I'll be forced to end the program."

"Please don't end the program," said Garak. "Please don't leave me here alone." The knife crept closer to his neck.

"You're not alone," said Julian. "You have me, remember?"

Garak's hand was shaking as he brought the knife so it was touching his neck. "I don't have anyone," he said. "Goodbye."

And at the same time as he began to slit his throat, Julian ordered, "Computer, end program!"

They were back in the plain holosuite again. And Garak's arms were suddenly empty. No knife. And... and no Ashal. "No!" he screamed, his voice broken. "No!" He brought his hands to his throat. There was just a tiny bit of blood there.

"You bastards!" Garak shouted. "You bastards, you took her away from me! Do you know who I am? I'm the son of Enabran Tain! I'll have you all killed! I-"

The security team had entered the holosuite by now, and suddenly they were approaching him. Garak fought them off, hitting and kicking at them frantically. He got through two of them, but the other two overpowered him, and they cuffed his hands behind his back.

"Where should we take him?" one of them asked Julian.

"Infirmary," said Julian. "No need for the cells. He hasn't committed any crimes."

Garak stopped breathing just about then. At least, he forgot how to breathe. He tried to gasp for air, but it didn't flow into his throat like it should have. His knees grew weak, and he became dead weight, the guards holding him up. His chest rose and fell, but he couldn't breathe.

"He's having an attack," he heard Julian say. "Get him to the infirm-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read this far, thank you! I would really appreciate if you gave a comment if you've read this far, because I really like getting feedback on the more emotional scenes. :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak wakes up in the infirmary.

The next thing Garak knew, he was awake in the infirmary, lying down on a bed, surrounded by security guards.

"Julian," he gasped. It was the first thing he could think of. "I need Julian."

"Dr. Bashir is in his office," said one of the guards. "He'll see you when he's ready."

Garak started to panic. "No, I need to see him now," he said. "I need Julian NOW, I need him now, I need-"

Suddenly, he heard a blessedly familiar voice. "It's all right, you can leave the two of us alone," he said. "I can manage him." The guards left, albeit reluctantly.

"Julian, I'm sorry," Garak whispered. "I'm so sorry." His eyes welled with tears.

"Shh, don't worry, Elim," said Julian tenderly. "It's okay. I'm here."

"Ashal," Garak said. "Is... is she all right?"

Julian paused. There were so many words in that pause. "Elim... Ashal isn't real." Garak bit his lip. "You know that, don't you?"

It was Garak's turn to hesitate. He lay there on the bed, and he saw and heard a million things all at once. His father's face as he lay dying at the Dominion camp. Ashal's tiny face. He heard the little sound she made when she was happy. He heard his father telling him that he was his son.

"Yes," Garak whispered eventually. "I know."

Julian squeezed his hand. "Good," he said quietly. "That's a start."

"You're going to let me out of the infirmary now, right?" Garak asked.

Julian ran a hand through Garak's hair. It was a gesture that Garak had always outwardly disliked because it messed up his hair, which he had taken time to tame, but at this point, Garak didn't care about keeping up appearances and allowed himself to enjoy to gesture. "It's not as easy as that, Elim," said Julian. "You made an attempt on your life. As your doctor, I can't just let you out of the infirmary right away. I need to know that you're safe, that you're not going to hurt yourself."

"What day is it?" Garak asked.

"Were you listening to anything I said?" Julian said.

"Yes, I just want to know what day it is."

"It's the day after the anniversary of your father's death," said Julian. "It's very early in the morning."

"Good," said Garak. "It's not... it's not his day anymore." He paused. "So... you're not going to let me out?"

"Not yet," said Julian. "It would be irresponsible of me."

"Surely you can let me out into our quarters," said Garak. "I happen to live with the chief medical officer of this space station. Shouldn't that count for something?"

"I can't go making exceptions," said Julian. "Sorry, Elim. You're going to be stuck here for twenty-six more hours."

"But you're going to be here, aren't you?" Garak asked. "You're going to be here with me."

"When I can," said Julian. "I'm sorry, but I have lots of work to do."

"Okay," said Garak. "That's okay." He felt like crying.

"Elim," said Julian, "you know you're not alone, right? You know that I'm here with you. And I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let anyone hurt you, and I won't let you hurt yourself."

"I know," Garak said. Julian bent down and kissed him. "This is hardly standard bedside manner, Julian."

"You're not my standard patient," said Julian. After a moment, he pulled away. "I'm going to have the room guarded. Just in case. You're okay with that, right?"

"All right," Garak said. Julian started to walk away. "Julian?" The doctor turned back to him. "I... I just wanted to say..."

"Yes?" Julian said.

"I love you," Garak said. "I love you so, so much."

Julian smiled. "I love you, too, Elim," he said. "Stay strong for me." And he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading this far! I would really love if you gave a comment. :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak spends some time in the infirmary, then returns to he and Julian's quarters.

Garak spent most of his time in the infirmary sleeping. He hadn't slept well for days, and his sleep schedule was well and truly thrown off. He curled up on the infirmary bed under a blanket. He dreamed, but the memories of his dreams were gone as soon as he woke up, which was an improvement from the usual vivid nightmares. He was given a data pad and read some of his favorite novels when he wasn't sleeping.

The best times were when Julian would stop by. He would come by and ask Garak how he was doing, and Garak wouldn't know what to say so he would just say 'better'.

It was getting later in the day, but Julian still didn't leave. "I'm working a double shift," Julian told him. "I need to figure out your medication."

"I've told you a million times, I don't like medication," said Garak. "The only time I've had any sort of drugs in the past few years was-"

"-when you were addicted to it a few years ago," finished Julian. "I know. And I've made sure you're on very low doses. And, since I'm living with you, I'll be administering your medication to make sure you don't abuse it."

Garak groaned. "Is that really necessary?"

"It would make me feel better," said Julian, knowing that that would be enough for Garak.

And it was enough. "Fine," Garak said.

"My shift ends when you get released," said Julian. "We can go to our quarters together."

"That'll be nice," Garak said. "It feels like it's been so long since we've slept in the same bed."

Garak finished a novel and a half before Julian came to get him. "You look awfully cozy here in the infirmary," said Julian. "Dare I say you're getting used to it?"

"Not funny," said Garak. "I take it I can go now?"

"You have to put your thumbprint on this form first," said Julian. "It's a contract. By signing it with your thumbprint, you'll be saying that you'll keep yourself safe." Reluctantly, Garak pressed his thumb to the scanner. "Excellent. Now we can go."

Carrying a bag with several pill bottles, Julian and Garak walked to their quarters. Julian was yawning. "It's so early in the morning," he said. "I'm not used to being up this late."

"I know, I know," Garak said as they stepped into the turbolift. "Couldn't I have had a mental breakdown at a better time of day?"

"Was that... a joke?" Julian said, shocked.

"It was," said Garak. "Not a bad one, either, right?"

Julian chuckled. "Right," he said.

When they stepped into their quarters, Garak felt like he had come home for the first time in years. It was the feeling he imagined he would get if he ever came back to Cardassia Prime, but in a way, even better.

"Everything okay, Elim?" asked Julian. "You're just standing there."

"I'm taking it all in," said Garak.

"The only thing I'm going to be taking right now is a nap," said Julian.

"I'll join you," Garak said. They both got dressed in their pajamas.

"I've taken this next day off of work," Julian said as he buttoned up his nightshirt. "That way I can be with you."

"I suppose the shop can stand to be closed for another day," said Garak.

The two lay down in their bed together. Garak drank in the warmth of Julian's skin.

"How about we try something different?" suggested Julian.

"Oh?"

"How about," said Julian, "instead of you holding me, I'll hold you? You know. You can be the little spoon."

"You know I hate that phrase," said Garak. He paused. "But... maybe you're on to something." Julian wrapped his arms and legs around Garak. "Julian, you're smothering me."

"Sorry." Julian eased off a bit. "Is that better?"

Garak was enjoying the feeling of Julian's lips next to his ear. "Much better," he said. He felt safe and happy and warm. "This is actually quite nice."

"Good," said Julian, "because we're going to be like this for a long time. I plan on sleeping in."

"Goodnight, Julian."

"Goodnight, Elim."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to get back to normal for the two of them. :)  
> I'd love to know what you think since you've made it this far! The penultimate chapter and all.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian say goodbye.

They really did sleep in late. By the time both of them were awake, it was well into the morning. Garak was up first, having slept a lot the previous day. He showered and dressed, and lay on the bed next to Julian, reading a book. Eventually, Julian stirred. "Ughhh. How late is it?" he asked.

"1132," said Garak. "Do you want breakfast? I replicated scones for you."

Julian sat up. "Thank you," he said. "With jam?"

"With jam," confirmed Garak. "It's the least I could do to repay you. In a way, you saved my life."

They ate breakfast in bed together, neither of them caring about crumbs in the bedcovers right now. Garak read more of his book while Julian got dressed.

"You should have gotten me up earlier," said Julian. "Now your medication will be late."

"I had hoped you'd forget about the medication," said Garak.

"Not a chance," said Julian cheerfully. He rifled through the bag of pill bottles and produced three pills of different shapes and sizes. "Two are for anxiety, and one is for depression."

"I don't have depression!" Garak said.

Julian gave him a sidelong look. "Elim. Yes, you do have depression."

"Fine." Garak swallowed the pills without water. He immediately started choking. Julian quickly brought him a glass of water, which Garak gratefully downed. "I haven't taken actual pills in ages," he said. "They're hard to swallow."

"You know, there's a Terran expression about that," said Julian. "Saying that something is a hard pill to swallow."

"Very interesting," said Garak.

"Now," said Julian, "we had better go to Quark's."

"What's at Quark's?" asked Garak.

"You'll see," said Julian. "Come on." He led Garak all the way to Quark's. Quark himself wasn't there. "Where's Quark?" Julian asked.

"He's... gone at the moment," said one of the waiters.

"I imagine he's afraid of what I'll do if I see him," said Garak. "I paid him two bars of gold-pressed latinum to keep any intruders out of the holosuite for twenty-six hours while I was in there... and you came in before the twenty-six hours were up."

Julian laughed. "Waiter, I'll have program Bashir-786," he said. The waiter handed Julian the program.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Garak asked. "The last time we ran that program, I nearly died."

"To be honest, I'm still not sure it's a good idea," said Julian. "But I feel that it's only fair." They walked up to the holosuite and ran the program. They stepped into the holosuite.

Garak's body flooded with relief upon seeing Ashal's room, all yellow and calm. He hurried over to the cradle. Inside lay Ashal, sleeping, perfectly fine. He let out a sigh of relief. "I was worried something happened to her," he said.

"But you do know that she's not real, right?" Julian said.

Garak sighed. "Yes."

"Good," said Julian. "Because I brought you here to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" Garak repeated.

"Yes, goodbye," Julian said. "Now, Elim, don't take this the wrong way, but the past few weeks have proved that we're not ready for a child yet. So, at least until further notice, I've decided to end this program. Maybe someday when you've healed more, we can run it again. But until then... I feel that it's for your best interest that you say goodbye."

Garak scooped Ashal out of her cradle. She blinked, waking up, and began to cry. "Shhh," Garak said, rocking her back and forth. "It's okay. Daddy's got you." He hugged her close. "Now, Ashal, I have something to tell you," he said. "I'm going to have to say goodbye. At least for a while." She had stopped crying by now. "It's going to be okay," he told her. "I know you'll be lonely without me, and..."

"Elim," said Julian in a warning tone.

"Yes, I know, she's just a hologram," said Garak. He sighed. "And even though you are just a hologram... I love you, Ashal. And I'm going to miss you a lot."

Julian gave Garak a moment, then said, "Computer-"

Garak cut him off. "Wait," Garak said. "Just one more moment."

"I'll give you five more seconds," said Julian. "Five... four... three... two... one." He paused. "Computer, end program."

Garak's arms were suddenly empty. The holosuite was now just that: a holosuite. He dropped his arms to his side. He felt tears come to his eyes.

Julian stepped forward and embraced him. "It's going to be okay, Elim," he said. "We've got each other, remember?"

"I miss her already," Garak said, his voice wobbly.

"I know," said Julian. "I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! I'm finally finished posting this fic. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.   
> I would extremely appreciate if you commented what you thought of the fic! It would mean a lot to me.  
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you think so far.


End file.
